Who Am I Outside My Roles? Rediscovering Yourself in Midlife and Beyond
At some point, you might pause and ask yourself, "Who am I outside of what I do for others?" For many parents, caregivers, helpers, and people in midlife, this question can be both unsettling and honest. It is normal to experience discomfort or confusion during times of change. Roles such as being reliable, a caregiver, an achiever, or a supportive partner add meaning and structure, often from a place of genuine love. Yet, when roles become fused with our identity, stepping outside them, by choice or necessity, can create discomfort or confusion.
Over time, a quiet shift can happen. We might stop thinking, "I care for others," and start believing, "My worth depends on caring for others." Instead of seeing parenting as something we do, we might feel, "I am only a parent." When this happens, our sense of value can feel tied to being productive, helpful, strong, selfless, and always present. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this is referred to as "self-as-content," in which our identity becomes entangled with our roles and thoughts about ourselves. So when life changes, children grow up, relationships shift, or careers move in new directions, we may wonder: If I am not needed in the same way, who am I now?
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy reminds us that we are not just our roles, our thoughts, or the stories we tell ourselves. There is a deeper part of us, an inner observer, that has been with us through every stage of life: as a child, student, friend, partner, parent, helper, or professional. In ACT, this is referred to as "self-as-context," in which we observe our experiences without being defined by them. This part of us stays, even when our roles change. It does not need us to achieve, fix, or hold everything together to be worthy. It simply exists, quietly witnessing our journey.
If you feel discomfort about the life you have built, you may be going through an identity shift. You may notice a sense of emptiness that new activities don’t fill, or feel guilty when you focus on yourself. Maybe you avoid slowing down because quiet moments feel uncomfortable. If this sounds familiar, it doesn’t mean you’re lost or broken. Identity shifts in midlife are very common. They are not a crisis, they are an invitation.
Rather than quickly trying to change your life, like ending a relationship or switching careers, you can begin with curiosity. Ask yourself: What matters to me, not just what is expected of me? What makes me feel alive, not just responsible? If no one needed anything from me today, how would I spend my time? Who am I becoming, not just who have I been? These are questions to explore over time, not answer all at once.
A simple practice I share with clients is the five-minute pause. I will encourage you to commit here and track your progress. Each day, take a few quiet minutes to focus inward without doing anything else. Check in with yourself and ask, "What am I feeling? What do I need?" Focus only on your own needs, not what others expect or what you should feel. At first, this might feel strange and uncomfortable, but this is how you start to find yourself. After each pause, write down a single word that captures how you felt or what you discovered. This helps build momentum, and you will notice a subtle shift. Growth can feel confusing before it feels good. Even on busy days, a short pause or mindful breath helps. Simply noticing how you feel in the moment is a powerful step toward self-connection.
You are more than your roles: parent, partner, professional, caregiver, leader, and helper. These roles may reflect your values, but they do not fully define who you are. You existed before these roles and will exist after them. You deserve to know yourself beyond them, not because you’ve earned it through selflessness or achievement, but because you are worth knowing.
If you are ready to explore your identity beyond your roles, reach out to schedule a session with me. Take the first step toward your own growth. I am here to support you.