When Perfect Isn’t the Goal: Untangling Perfectionism with Compassion

Perfectionism doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. Sometimes it’s loud like the endless hours spent rewriting an email, organizing a to-do list, or obsessing over a mistake that no one else even noticed. But more often, it’s quiet. It hides behind procrastination, hesitation, people-pleasing, or that inner voice that says, “If I can’t do it right, I probably shouldn’t do it at all.”

In my practice, I meet so many thoughtful and driven people who come in feeling stuck. They talk about anxiety, burnout, low motivation, or the pressure to keep everything together. They don’t always use the word perfectionism, but it’s there embedded into the way they talk about themselves, their relationships, and their goals. I hear things like, “I should be further along,” “I just don’t want to disappoint anyone,” or “If I let go, everything might fall apart.”

Perfectionism can feel like it’s protecting you. And in some ways, it probably did. Many of us learned early on that being successful, productive, or agreeable kept us safe, praised, or accepted. So, we doubled down on those behaviors. We learned to strive, to achieve, to keep it together. But over time, that constant pressure starts to wear us down and it becomes hard to tell the difference between our authentic self and the fear that says we are only okay if we are doing everything just right.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we don’t try to eliminate thoughts like “I’m not doing enough” or “This needs to be perfect.” Instead, we learn how to notice them for what they are - thoughts, not facts. ACT helps us shift the focus from trying to control or avoid uncomfortable feelings, to taking action that aligns with our values, even when fear and self-doubt show up.

So, what does that actually look like?

Well, it reminds me of that line from John Lennon’s “Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)” “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” Perfectionism so often pulls us out of the present and into planning, fixing, and rehearsing. We end up missing the life right in front of us while trying to make it just right. ACT invites us to come back to what matters not someday, when things are more perfect, but here and now, in this moment.

Practically, this might look like starting a project even though you’re afraid it won’t be good enough. It might look like resting, even when a part of you believes you haven’t earned it. It might look like saying no to something that no longer serves you or saying yes to something that does even if you’re not sure you’ll do it perfectly. This shift isn’t easy. It takes patience, practice, and compassion. But it creates space for a more meaningful life one that is not ruled by fear or shame. When we choose to act in alignment with our values, even in small and imperfect ways, we begin to loosen perfectionism’s grip and reconnect with what really matters. You don’t have to wait until you feel more confident, more organized, or more in control. You can begin now, just as you are because the truth is, you’re already enough. You don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of rest, connection, or joy.

If this resonates with you and you’re ready to start untangling from the pressure to be perfect, I am here to support you. You can reach out to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to begin.