What Is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and How Does It Help When You Feel Unhappy with Yourself?

Have you ever woken up with this internal dialogue already going on even before your first cup of coffee. Well, I hear this a lot in sessions with my clients or at least some version of it:
“I just don’t like myself,” “There’s something wrong with me,” “I’m never good enough no matter how hard I try.”

Sometimes, this unhappiness with ourselves shows up as quiet self-doubt and other times, it comes through as harsh self-criticism, people-pleasing, overachievement, or hiding from others. However it shows up, it hurts. If any of this sounds familiar, I want you to know that you’re not alone and that there is a way to move forward.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is one of the approaches I use in therapy to help people feel more at peace with themselves and live in a way that’s aligned with their true values, not their inner critic or as Steven C Hayes, Ph.D., co-founder of ACT therapy, would say “the dictator within.” I like this term. ACT (pronounced like the word act) is not about trying to “fix” you or replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. It’s about helping you develop a new relationship with your mind and emotions, so they don’t keep running the show. ACT consists of 6 processes that are crucial to focus on in order for you to be able to live your life in line with what matters to you the most.

Let me show you how to use these six processes and what this looks like using an example of someone who feels deeply unhappy with themselves.

Lets look at this scenario: You wake up already feeling heavy. There’s a familiar thought playing on a loop: “I’m such a mess. Why can’t I just get it together?” You think about how you snapped at your kids yesterday. How you forgot a friend’s birthday. How you haven’t worked out in days. You start to spiral. You feel overwhelmed and irritable, and before the day even begins, you're already exhausted by your own mind.

Let’s walk through how ACT can support you in moments like this.

1. Cognitive Defusion

The thoughts your mind offers “I’m a mess,” “I’m failing,” feel like the truth. ACT teaches you how to create space between you and those thoughts.

You might gently say:

• “I’m noticing the thought that I’m a mess.”

• “There’s my mind again, telling the ‘I’m not good enough’ story.”

This helps you unhook from the thought, so it no longer drives your behavior or mood. You don’t have to argue with it, you just don’t have to let it steer the wheel.

2. Acceptance

Painful feelings often come up when you feel unhappy with yourself. Feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, frustration envelope you. ACT teaches you how to make room for these emotions without pushing them away or getting consumed by them.

You might pause and say to yourself:

• “This feeling is really uncomfortable, but I can let it be here.”

• “I can carry this feeling gently, instead of fighting with it.”

It’s like unclenching a fist you’ve been holding for years.

3. Present Moment Awareness

When you are caught in self-judgment, you are often not present at all. You're stuck in the past (what you did wrong) or future (how you might mess up again). ACT invites you to anchor back into now.

You might take a slow breath and notice:

• your feet on the floor

• the sounds in the room

• the warmth of a mug in your hands

This helps you reconnect with the world around you and with yourself.

4. Self-As-Context

This one can be powerful. ACT helps you access a deeper version of yourself, the one who can observe your thoughts and feelings, without being defined by them.

You are not the critical voice.
You are not the feeling of shame.
You are the one noticing those things.

There is a you beneath all the noise. A steady, wise, compassionate self who can hold all parts of your experience without judgment.

5. Values

When you feel unhappy with yourself, it can help to ask: What matters to me underneath this pain? Maybe you’re hurting because you care about being a present parent. A reliable friend. A healthy, grounded human. ACT helps you clarify your values, what you want your life to be about, and use them as your compass.

Instead of trying to feel better, you start asking:

• “What small step can I take today that moves me closer to the kind of person I want to be?”

6. Committed Action

This is where we put it all into motion. Even when you're feeling low, you can still take meaningful, values-based action.

That might mean:

• sending a kind text to your friend even if you feel like a bad one

• making time to play with your child, even if shame is whispering “you don’t deserve to enjoy this”

• taking one step toward a goal, not because you have to be productive, but because it matters to you

The idea is: You don’t have to wait to like yourself to start living a life that feels like yours.

So, What Does ACT Actually Offer?
It won’t silence your “dictator within” overnight, nor will it make difficult feelings disappear forever. But it can help you relate to those thoughts and emotions in a new way, so they no longer hold you back. As the saying goes, “The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master.” ACT guides you out of the tug-of-war with your mind and toward the life you truly want, with greater clarity, compassion, and freedom. At its core, ACT helps you shift your mind from a controlling master to a wise, supportive servant, one you can listen to without letting it take over. It’s not about becoming someone different, but about coming home to who you’ve always been beneath all the noise.

If this way of working speaks to you, and you're ready to feel more at ease in your own skin, I’d be glad to walk alongside you. Reach out when you’re ready, we’ll move at your pace, one gentle step at a time.